Monday - And I'm Too Tired For This Entry

I'm sure I have many deep and thoughtful things to say today but the fact is I am just too darn tired to contemplate the universe.  I only slept about 1.5hrs this morning after I dropped Caleb off at school.  I had many errands and appointments, plus I had to finish my paper.  I really haven't stopped all day.  So even though I know you have been looking forward to my wonderful posts, I am just going to have to disappoint you my friends.

Without further ado, I bid you good night!  De

Sunday - And I'd Rather Be a Problem Solver

We've often seen the picture and the accompanying question of “is the glass half-full or half-empty”.   I always thought I was an optimist thinking that the glass was half-full and life is filled with many opportunities and promises.  That is, until my demotion.   I found myself constantly thinking bleakly regarding my current state of affairs and looking into a foggy horizon.  How to turn this around?

Most of the time we are quite unaware of our optimism or pessimism, or exactly what we are doing in our lives or the direction we are taking, unless someone kindly points it out to us.  But our attitudes affect our actions and our thoughts and more directly, what is visualized or not, and what we do or don’t do.  We, quite unintentionally, assume what we are thinking or how we are acting, is the truth, but most of the time it is an altered reality.

Take for instance my demotion.  I cried and moaned about how everyone was against me and that I was worthless despite knowing intuitively that this was simply not true.  Then I received a text from a one of my fellow nurses simply stating “you have true friends here, not as vocal or out front, but often times much more loyal”.  I think I must have cried a whole bucket load of tears.

We can pay a high price for mistaken assumptions and ignoring the richness and promises of any given situation.  The fallout can discolor our lives without any awareness that this is happening, never quite knowing where we are or where we should be.  Allowing our disbelief and fears to control our actions and clouding the possibilities of tomorrow.

My current situation has certainly given cause for me to re-examine who I thought where my friends, who I thought I could trust, and to lift the veil of assumption to the clearer path of knowledge.  I’d like to think it has also spurred me to taking action on some issues that have lain in the background, such as clearing the cobwebs of my debt and lightening my financial responsibilities.

How do I plan on reducing debts if my income is reduced?  Simply put…cut the bacon fat, get rid of excesses, live on what is necessary and not on what is a luxury.  I’m paying off bills now, not going to buy a new car when mine is paid for in a few months, and moving from a 3-bedroom town home to a 2-bedroom one.  Basically my plan is to not incur new debts.  So you see, I can continue to wallow in self-pity, bemoan my current fate, or I can seize the opportunity to not only see the glass half-full but formulate a plan to have a simpler, less stress-field life.

From now on I’d like to see myself as a problem solver.

Ciao!  De :)

Sunday - And Taking a School Break for the Sunday Seven #392

What couldn't you do without? Beyond the obvious choices like water, food, oxygen and other necessities that are so necessary that life literally can’t occur without them?

That’s the list for this week. Are there seven things you can come with that you’d have a hard time doing without? I've made my list. I invite you to do the same.

Without further ado, here is mine:

7 Things I Feel I Couldn't Do Without

1. God

I think this will be a lot of people's number 1, I could be wrong though.  My faith is very important to me.  I may not splash it all across my blog or Facebook, or throw it in your face, but I do believe in God and He is what gets me through everything...good and bad.

2. Family

I've always been close to my parents and siblings, some more at different times in my life than others.  I would hate to not be able to keep in touch with any of them.  Living in different states does tend to make it difficult, but through the modern miracles of technology we manage.

3. My Boyfriend

I am very fortunate to have found a man with whom I get along with so well, who knows me and loves me despite my many flaws.  I treasure this man more than anyone I've ever been involved with and would be devastated if I lose contact with him.  He is my rock.

4. My Friends

I have been very fortunate to have some very solid friendships and to have friends who will weather any storm with me.  They are with me good and bad, and we have many silly, fun, and sometimes tearful escapades.

5. My Cat

I love my cat even though she annoys the ever living snot out of me at times and sleeps with her butt in my face.  She is my constant companion.

6. The Internet

It almost escapes my mind to think of life without the internet, I know my children have certainly never experienced this phenomenon.  The internet is always on and a constant link with so many I value in addition to the world at large.

7. Television

I would have to say that television is my second constant companion whether I'm watching it or not, it's always on in the background and makes a warmer home.

How about you? Can you name things you couldn't do without?  Play along and post your answers at Patrick's Place.

Saturday - And it's a Double Entry Day - Saturday Six #473

I used to play this meme from Patrick's Place several years ago when I used to routinely journal.  Thought I'd give it another whorl.

1. If you had to get up in front of a room of strangers, which of these would you be LEAST comfortable admitting: your true age, your true weight or your true income?  Oh gosh easy hands down….my true age!  I tell everyone I’m 29 (even though they know I’m not) and I hate thinking about getting older, but then who does?

2. Which of those three would you be MOST comfortable admitting to the same crowd?  Hmmmmm….my income?  Difficult decision.  No woman likes to talk about her age or her weight.

3. If you knew when your last meal was going to happen, what would you like to have on the menu?  A nice steak, potatoes, salad, and a great red wine.

4. Who are you most concerned about disappointing?  Myself.

5. What’s the toughest job you've ever had?  Oh gosh, being a Mother.  You never want to fail at raising your children to be the best they can be with great morals and ethics.

6. What event scared you more than anything else you've experienced?  I couldn't find my daughter one evening and thought she had been kidnapped.  She had been playing with one of the neighbor kids and was not allowed out in the front yard unsupervised, but I couldn't find her in the house or the back yard.  I looked all around, called the neighbors, was about to dial 911 when I saw her in the backyard playing along the side of the house with a frog.  I remember throwing up once I realized she was safe.

Saturday - And I Still Wish I Were Pepper Potts

I'm going to take a break from being self-absorbed and talk about Ironman 3.  Went and saw this today with Caleb and it is well worth the wait, worth the money, and the only thing I wish was different was that I wish we could have seen it in IMAX but it was sold out.  The story is much better than the second movie where I think the producers kind of let quality go due to making The Avengers at the same time.  That being said, I'd pay to see this movie again, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact Robert Downey, Jr. is starring front and center, haha.

I won't spoil this for you, but if you go see the movie, make sure you stay until after the very, very long credits.  There is a scene that gives a clue for what is coming up next.  I didn't get it at first, but I figured it out while writing this entry.  That's all I'm going to say though, don't want to ruin anything for you.

I remember doing a post about the original Ironman movie when it came out about 5 or 6 years ago and I think I titled it "I wish I were Pepper Potts".  Yep...still wishing that!  To have a hero who worships you has to be every girl's dream.  And no matter how much is fantasy, we all need a hero in our life, in some form.

Here's to pleasant dreams!

Ciao!  De :)

Friday - And I'm Trying to Pause

If you are like me, it is easy to become preoccupied with the past, with certain events, until the memories are intertwined in the present and your everyday life until it becomes more and more difficult to separate the past and present, and let that moment go and move forward.  We become focused on those past events, with what has already happened, which makes it very hard to focus on the future.  We keep looking for ways to change things and move to a better, happier place, yet we don’t let go of what is holding us back.  Clinging to the past only keeps us there and restricts our happiness.

I can clearly acknowledge that I am clinging to the “past event” of being demoted and the feelings leading up to and surround this event.  I am very much aware of my feelings being projected and affecting how I not only function at work, but at home as well.  I am walling myself off at work, “hiding out”, not engaging as much as I normally would, and basically going into self-protect mode.

My home life is affected as well.  Take the other night for instance, I was spending some rare quality time with my boyfriend and became offended by something I perceived he did (or didn't do), something I would normally not have even noticed or put much weight behind, but yet that night it bothered me, a lot.  Now let me say this, my boyfriend and I get along very well, we almost never disagree or have had a fight in three years, so for me to get upset is very unusual.  When I realized what I was doing I couldn't stop crying and all I could say was “I’m sorry, ever since this stupid demotion I question everything and everyone, even you, and I know who you are, love you and trust you, and I still question. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control.”

This revelation caused me to pause.  I do NOT want to allow this woman who targeted me and eventually got me demoted to win, and I do NOT want this single event in my life to take over and control my thoughts and actions forever.  I know that there are moments and days that are worse than others, and I know that there will continue to be those moments, but, as I've already said, there are much worse things than being demoted.  So why do I feel so demoralized?  So defeated?  So beat up?  So…small?  Well that is what I am hoping to examine and discover by journaling and exploring my feelings.  It’s helped me in the past, and I’m hopeful it will help me now.

So right now what I want to do is pause, think about this experience, let it sink in, let me feel my emotions, let those emotions bloom, produce fruit, harvest, drop from the tree, then wither, die, and blow away into the past and stay there.  I want to learn from this experience, come to know it better, but I also want go forward.  I don’t want to stay in the place of being upset and suspicious.  I want to trust and love and live fully in the present.

I am ready to move on…

Ciao!  De

Early Thursday - And I’m At the Crossroad

So, as I've already mentioned, there has been a change in my job position, and not only did my position change, but after 18 years of working nights, I have changed shifts as well.  And no, before you faint dead away from shock, I did not switch to day shift…well not entirely.  I now work the mid-shift, you know the shift that merges between the two, the one that begins when it’s just getting busy and ends when it’s still busy.  It’s kind of a half-life I like to think, the one that merges two different mind sets and ideas and ways of thinking and working.  And honestly, it’s the hardest shift to work because you almost never get a down time, and you have to work with everyone, including the “white coats” as I like to call administration.

In the midst of all the anger and hurt of my demotion I felt I needed some amount of control and I couldn't seem to find it.  My boyfriend said “think of what you want, but don’t give anything away if you don’t have to, but be prepared.”  That proved to be very good advice and I went into the meeting armed with what I wanted and what I expected to happen when I went back to work.  And even though I lost my position, I gained a shift that I wanted, a shift that would ultimately work better for me in the long run with school and my family.  A shift that would place me working more with people who appreciated me, and less with those who took advantage of me and disrespected me.

So whether we like it or not, each moment we have is really all we are given to work with on any given day.  It is really too easy to go about our lives forgetting where we are, where we have been, and where we are headed.  With every moment we find ourselves potentially at a crossroad of events in our lives, a moment that hangs on the here and on the now, and it’s very easy to get lost in a fog of forgetfulness of where we need to be and what we need to focus on.

Today, I choose to focus on the positive.  I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and I’m not saying I’m not going to get upset or depressed or have feelings of hopelessness.  But what I am saying is at the crossroads of here and now, I am going plan on getting up each day and going to bed each night with a clear goal of focusing on all the infinite possibilities that lay ahead for me and to use the negative events as a catalyst to get me…...there.

Ciao!  De 

Early Wednesay - And I Am There

Whatever has happened to you has already happened.  The important question is, how are you going to handle it?  In other words…now what?

I’ve been demoted…so what?  What’s worse?  Not having a job.  Not having my health.  Not having my family.  Not having my boyfriend.  Not having a place to live or food to eat or clothes to wear.  There is worse than being demoted.  So why does it consume my every waking/sleeping thought and make me feel like the world is about to spiral out of control?  That is the question.

Like it or not, this is where I am in my life right now.  But an even better question is where I will be in my life tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  Well I can tell you that in two days I will be starting another class in my quest to become a nurse practitioner.  In 2 months I will have finished that class and about to begin another one.  Two months after that?  I will be starting my clinicals, which is the beginning to the end of this phase of my life and moving forward.

Did anyone just catch what I said….MOVING FORWARD.  That’s right, moving forward past the demotion, past the depression and despair, past the feeling of failure and inadequacy.  Past the bitch who made it her mission to demoralize me, past the negative environment created by her.  I will be moving past and forward to what is waiting for me…and whatever it is, it is infinitely better than her and than this place of being upset.

Now, to just keep my eye on the ball and I’m there.

Ciao!  De

Tuesday - And I'm Pretty Much Hating Right Now

HATE, it's a four letter word.  It can adequately express how you feel and consume every waking & sleeping thought.  It's a strong word.  I feel like it really describes how I'm feeling right now.

The dictionary defines hate as "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest".  After carefully considering the definition, I pause for a brief few minutes and think...yep, that's definitely how I feel.  So what has brought me to this emotion?  The better question is "who".  The answer is my clinical manager.  She is a woman who seems to have no other purpose in life except to make someone else miserable even if it means she is unprofessional.


Take today for instance.  I wake up early, get ready, go to my computer training class for the new charting program, and not only is there not a space for me, I'm off the list.  I go back to my department and see that there is a new revised list since my  last shift and I'm rescheduled for tomorrow.  Not a phone call, not a change noted in the computerized schedule, nothing.  Not only that, I'm scheduled to be working in the ER during the class time.  How am I supposed to be two places at once?

So I place a phone call.  What does she say?  "I posted the changes over the weekend."  I wasn't there I say.  "Not my problem" is her reply.  Well you could've called me I suggested. She said again "look it's not my problem you weren't at work to know about the changes."  Well I'm still in the computer as scheduled for class today.  "Again, not my problem."  Well who's it is then?  Oh yeah, apparently mine.

This is a woman who has single-handily made it her mission to fire me or get me to quit after I stood up to her on the first day she was in her new position when she threatened and attempted to bully me into "you will respect me I demand it".  Ever since then she has made it virtually impossible for me to go a week without antagonizing me in some way or writing me up, until finally a few weeks ago I was demoted.

So here is my quandary   How can I not feel hate towards her?  I don't know, but I'm working on that because this woman is definitely not worthy of consuming me.

Ciao, De