Friday, May 03, 2013

Friday - And I'm Trying to Pause

If you are like me, it is easy to become preoccupied with the past, with certain events, until the memories are intertwined in the present and your everyday life until it becomes more and more difficult to separate the past and present, and let that moment go and move forward.  We become focused on those past events, with what has already happened, which makes it very hard to focus on the future.  We keep looking for ways to change things and move to a better, happier place, yet we don’t let go of what is holding us back.  Clinging to the past only keeps us there and restricts our happiness.

I can clearly acknowledge that I am clinging to the “past event” of being demoted and the feelings leading up to and surround this event.  I am very much aware of my feelings being projected and affecting how I not only function at work, but at home as well.  I am walling myself off at work, “hiding out”, not engaging as much as I normally would, and basically going into self-protect mode.

My home life is affected as well.  Take the other night for instance, I was spending some rare quality time with my boyfriend and became offended by something I perceived he did (or didn't do), something I would normally not have even noticed or put much weight behind, but yet that night it bothered me, a lot.  Now let me say this, my boyfriend and I get along very well, we almost never disagree or have had a fight in three years, so for me to get upset is very unusual.  When I realized what I was doing I couldn't stop crying and all I could say was “I’m sorry, ever since this stupid demotion I question everything and everyone, even you, and I know who you are, love you and trust you, and I still question. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control.”

This revelation caused me to pause.  I do NOT want to allow this woman who targeted me and eventually got me demoted to win, and I do NOT want this single event in my life to take over and control my thoughts and actions forever.  I know that there are moments and days that are worse than others, and I know that there will continue to be those moments, but, as I've already said, there are much worse things than being demoted.  So why do I feel so demoralized?  So defeated?  So beat up?  So…small?  Well that is what I am hoping to examine and discover by journaling and exploring my feelings.  It’s helped me in the past, and I’m hopeful it will help me now.

So right now what I want to do is pause, think about this experience, let it sink in, let me feel my emotions, let those emotions bloom, produce fruit, harvest, drop from the tree, then wither, die, and blow away into the past and stay there.  I want to learn from this experience, come to know it better, but I also want go forward.  I don’t want to stay in the place of being upset and suspicious.  I want to trust and love and live fully in the present.

I am ready to move on…

Ciao!  De

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