If you are like me, it is easy to become preoccupied with
the past, with certain events, until the memories are intertwined in the
present and your everyday life until it becomes more and more difficult to
separate the past and present, and let that moment go and move forward. We become focused on those past events, with
what has already happened, which makes it very hard to focus on the
future. We keep looking for ways to
change things and move to a better, happier place, yet we don’t let go of what
is holding us back. Clinging to the past
only keeps us there and restricts our happiness.
I can clearly acknowledge that I am clinging to the “past
event” of being demoted and the feelings leading up to and surround this
event. I am very much aware of my
feelings being projected and affecting how I not only function at work, but at
home as well. I am walling myself off at
work, “hiding out”, not engaging as much as I normally would, and basically going
into self-protect mode.
My home life is affected as well. Take the other night for instance, I was
spending some rare quality time with my boyfriend and became offended by
something I perceived he did (or didn't do), something I would normally not
have even noticed or put much weight behind, but yet that night it bothered me,
a lot. Now let me say this, my boyfriend
and I get along very well, we almost never disagree or have had a fight in
three years, so for me to get upset is very unusual. When I realized what I was doing I couldn't stop crying and all I could say was “I’m sorry, ever since this stupid demotion
I question everything and everyone, even you, and I know who you are, love you and
trust you, and I still question. I feel like my life is spiraling out of
control.”
This revelation caused me to pause. I do NOT want to allow this woman who
targeted me and eventually got me demoted to win, and I do NOT want this single
event in my life to take over and control my thoughts and actions forever. I know that there are moments and days that
are worse than others, and I know that there will continue to be those moments,
but, as I've already said, there are much worse things than being demoted. So why do I feel so demoralized? So defeated?
So beat up? So…small? Well that is what I am hoping to examine and
discover by journaling and exploring my feelings. It’s helped me in the past, and I’m hopeful
it will help me now.
So right now what I want to do is pause, think about this
experience, let it sink in, let me feel my emotions, let those emotions bloom,
produce fruit, harvest, drop from the tree, then wither, die, and blow away
into the past and stay there. I want to
learn from this experience, come to know it better, but I also want go forward. I don’t want to stay in the place of being
upset and suspicious. I want to trust
and love and live fully in the present.
I am ready to move on…
Ciao! De
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